There's a place I’ve heard about in California called Rancho Cucamonga, where I think I'd like to go someday, just to see if it actually exists or not. I kind of picture a place with lots of flowers everywhere, and golden spires on the buildings, and lots of little elves. And they'll come up to me and say, in their tiny little high-pitched voices, "Hi! Welcome to Rancho Cucamonga! We're your friends!" And the king would come out, a little chubby elf, and sing a little song and do a little dance, and the other elves would clap their hands with glee and shout "Weee! Do it again!! Do it again!!" And the king would smile and do his little dance and sing his little song again, and the little elves would laugh ever so much and clap and say "Weee!!" And the king would say "Free cookies for everybody!!" And all the people would say "Yippee!" and laugh and carry the king away on their shoulders.
Well, anyway, that's kind of how I picture it.
I still remember the day I first discovered Mystery Science Theater 3000. I was sitting in front of the TV, vigorously changing channels like most everyone does when they’re watching TV. My channel-surfing stopped on an episode of The Mystery Science Theater Hour, a syndicated two-part version they made for those of us not dapper enough for a full-fledged cable subscription. I saw the silhouettes of a man and two robots (?!) watching a movie and trying to make funny comments. “What’s this stupid thing?” I remember thinking. But as I kept switching through the channels, I kept coming back to The Mystery Science Theater Hour. I really don’t remember which show I saw first. But I definitely remember one of my favorite comments from one of the first shows I ever saw, which was “The Magic Voyage of Sinbad.” The part in the movie when “Sinbad” goes to another country looking for the Bird of Happiness and asks some locals “Have you got the Bird of Happiness?” to which Crow T. Robot says from the audience (as if he’s in the movie answering back) “We, uh, have a pretty friendly chicken....”
So basically, MST3K is just 3 guys making fun of movies, which is something that every guy (it seems mostly guys...) does. I do it constantly. Especially if I’m visiting someone and I’m forced to watch something on TV. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard as I have watching MST3K. At least in my adult years. Past the age of, say, 5, where I probably laughed pretty hard at a few fart jokes. But the best part of MST3K has got to be all the references they put into the jokes. Everything from Frank Zappa to Voltaire to Herman’s Hermits to Ingmar Bergman. And it’s not very often they refer to something that I don’t get; this show was made for me! So, Hey Mom! All those years of doing nothing but watching TV really paid off in the long run! What do you say now?!
So the years went by and I devoured every Mystery Science Theater 3000 that I could. I even recorded just the sound when my television would pick up the bleed-through from the cable stations. No visuals? I still found it hilarious. I would watch VHS recordings of the show over and over until I could almost recite each one by heart. Like I used to be able to do with the original Star Trek series. I even participated in a web site called “Too Much Information: The Annotated MST3K,” the best of its kind. This was an attempt to explain every reference used on Mystery Science Theater 3000. The guy doing it stopped after only a few completed shows, unfortunately. I wrote in with a comment about the beginning of a MST3K presentation of “Cave Dwellers.” One of the actors used all 3 of his names in the credits, so Joel and the ‘Bots started riffing on murderers with three names (like they have). At the end Joel mentioned Arthur Bremmil, then changed it to Arthur Bremer. Arthur Bremer tried to assassinate George Wallace. Arthur Bremmil is someone else. I’ve tried to look him up, but can’t find any references to him. Which is funny, because I distinctly remember, in the 6th grade, talking with my friend Rudy about this very thing, that the two guys’ names were similar. I think Arthur Bremmil (or Brummell or something...) was an actor. Anyway, I was listed as a “helper” on the web site, and was proud as the dickens to have my name associated with Mystery Science Theater 3000 in some way. When they started releasing them on DVD. I religiously bought every one I could find. I would spend all that I needed to get every four-pack they released, almost as fast as they would put them out. At least until I realized they were releasing one or possibly two funny episodes with two or three turkeys. Hey, even I have some standards. But I still have a ton of respect for everyone involved.
And then something amazing happened. Joel (the inventor of the show) started a spin-off of sorts called “Cinematic Titanic,” featuring various people from MST3K. And they were doing a live show in Santa Rosa! Just a couple hours away from me! I would actually get to meet the people who’s creative work I had devoured for years! I would bring my book “The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide” and get it autographed! And, most spectacularly, I would get to ask Joel who Arthur Bremmil was! I was stoked!
So I got my cousin and two tickets and headed off to Santa Rosa and the Wells Fargo Center for the Arts. And it was a lot of fun! Each of the performers did a little stand-up routine, since they had all started out as stand-up comedians. Then they played a movie and made comments live. Which was a whole different experience, seeing that with a big live audience.
I think they finished about 10:30 or so. So everyone scrambled out into the lobby to meet the guys and get their autographs. I remember being in line for about half an hour. I was a little surprised at the number of people who had their Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guides ready to be signed. I was hoping I was the only fan loyal enough to buy one. One guy brought his own extremely authentic-looking “Tom Servo” robot that he made himself. Now that’s a fan.
So eventually it came to be my turn to meet everyone. Still stoked! And a little nervous. But still stoked! The first one at the table was Frank Conniff. Just a few days prior I was leafing through “The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide” and re-read Frank’s assessment of the TV movie “Stranded in Space.” Now I remember this movie when it was aired on television. 1973, I was 11 and in the 6th grade, and really excited that there was a science-fiction movie on TV! You have to understand, when I was growing up we only could get two TV stations, and one of them (CBS) didn’t come in very well (unless you lived on the opposite end of town, where it was ABC that was fuzzy). So it was a rare thing that something as fun and thought-provoking as a science-fiction movie was ever on in prime-time! Unfortunately, it wasn’t the most interesting of science-fiction movies. As Frank puts it in his summary, “It was dazzling in its mediocrity.... neither bad enough to stand out, nor good enough to watch.... It didn’t make anyone laugh, it didn’t make anyone cry, there were no moments of tension or suspense, there weren’t even any moments of high camp or ironic post-modernism.” And I remember feeling exactly the same way when I first saw it in 1973! Except for the no “high camp or ironic post-modernism” observations. I don’t think I appreciated post-modernism until the 7th grade. So I came up to Frank and shook his hand and proceeded to tell him that my experience with “Stranded in Space” was the same as his. He smiled, then seemed a bit confused, then smiled again as the recognition of the TV movie set in. I soon realized that I was telling him exactly what he had written in “The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide,” and thought to myself “Why would he want to hear this?” Apparently Frank was thinking along the same lines, because, as I stood there regaling him with the details of how my experience of the show mirrored his, the look on his face went from interested, to mildly interested, to polite indifference, to JUST KILL ME NOW, to polite indifference again. I don’t really remember, but we probably looked at each other in silence for about a minute before I turned to the next in line, J. Elvis Weinstein.
J. Elvis, or “Josh,” was there at the beginning of MST3K, but left the show after the first season. He didn’t get to help write “The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide,” but the book did show him in a couple of photographs from those first days. I thought of a musician joining a band later in their carreer and being asked to sign an album that he wasn’t on. That would feel kind of weird. I asked Josh to sign my book, saying “I know you’re not in it, but could you sign it anyway?” My memory is of him grabbing my episode guide and saying, rather testily, “I’m in it!!” Now I don’t know the history of J. Elvis Weinstein and his signing of “The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide.” Maybe that comes up all the time, that he didn’t get to participate in the writing of it. Maybe his friends on stage would incessantly rib him about it, and possibly throw things at him as they were doing so. Actually, it was after 11:00 at this point, and maybe he was just a bit tired. Anyway, I thanked him and moved down the line.
So focused as I was on asking Joel the question I had pondered for years, I hadn’t thought of what to say to the next two at the table, Trace Beaulieu and Mary Jo Pehl. I was fans of both, especially Trace, but I just hadn’t given any time to come up with any questions for them. So we stared at each other for a few seconds, Mary Jo giving a polite smile. Needing to say something, I apologized and said that I couldn’t think of anything to say to them. And they both sat up and vigorously told me that it was ok, that everything would be fine and that they understood. They actually startled me with their earnest sincerity and genuine concern. With eyes wide open and a polite smile on my face, I moved over to Joel.
Joel Hodgson was the guy who single-handedly created one of my all-time favorite TV shows. I was a little nervous as I moved up to him at the table, but I just went for it as I introduced myself and proceeded to tell him the story of the “Two Much Information” web site. As I kind of rambled on, I got to the part where I proudly said that I got my name associated with “Mystery Science Theater,” and he genuinely seemed excited for me! And that felt incredible! I then told him all about the “Arthur Bremill / Arthur Bremmer” mystery, and how I had been wondering for years about who Arthur Bremill was, and about how I finally had the chance to get the answer to this age-long mystery that had been haunting me, or, at least had been at the back of my mind for about 10 years or so. I finally asked him the question that had been nagging me for all this time, “Who was Arthur Bremill? And Joel said “I don’t know. I don’t think I wrote that joke.”
So, after what felt like an eternity of standing there trying to compose myself, I thanked him, told him it was great to finally get to meet him, and left. It was later, when my mind was somewhat clearer, that I asked myself why I didn’t ask Trace or Mary Jo or Frank if they remembered who Arthur Bremill was. It didn’t even cross my mind since I was so focused on talking with Joel himself. Oh well. Such is life. And then, in my post-meeting-famous-people haze, I thought about my telling Joel about the “Two Much Information” web site. Embarrassingly, I thought “Why on earth would he be proud of me getting my name associated with something that he himself invented? He himself invented the thing!!” I am still in awe about what a nice, generous guy Joel Hodgson is.
And that’s what made it the most satisfying time that I ever met a famous person.